Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Trade Center '09, live from the Palace of Wisdom

So, the deal here is that I haven't watched or followed hockey as best I could for the past several months. The NHL has pretty much done one thing after another to massively piss me off since the lockout, and Mats Sundin signing with Vancouver, coupled with Sean Avery's suspension for having a mind of his own, became the straw(s) that broke my back. I gave up, didn't look back, found other new things to pass the time. However, today is the NHL's trade deadline, and fuck me if that doesn't get even my cold-to-hockey blood a little warm. Hence the live blog, featuring a few friends of mine, my cat, and TSN's shitty analysts, right here from the Palace of Wisdom (which I have decided to call my house). LIVE BLOG, BITCHES~

10:00: My alarm goes off, and I crawl out of bed. This strikes me as a bad idea already, because I'm way too tired to deal with any of this right now. There are plenty of preparations to be made before I actually turn the television on. Of course, I sit on the couch and stare off into space anyway.

10:20: Still haven't moved. Really wish I was playing Gran Turismo 3 instead of doing this. Fuck.

10:35: Snapping awake, I throw stacks of dirty plates into the dishwasher and drag another coffee table out into the living room to build a large trade desk. Jared (Jared Dreger) will be here soon, have to get ready. Besides, hearing Smackles (Geoff Sanderson) tell me all about what the TSN idiots are saying is making me bloodthirsty. I have to see for myself and I refuse to allow it until I'm ready to go.

10:43: TSN is on. Good to see that they've shuttled off James 'Retard' Duthie with the people who can't hold a job in hockey. Jay Feaster starts on about how the Antoine Vermette for Pascal Leclaire and a 2nd deal is great for both teams, noting that Leclaire has injury problems and needs to return to form. Return to form? He's had one good season with Ken Hitchcock as a coach. One! I usually like/defend Feaster, but what the fuck was that?

10:47: Tim Connolly has signed a two year deal for $4.5 million per, which is hilarious to me because the over/under on games played during that contract is probably 45.

10:51: You know, if I was a drinker, TSN's trade coverage would make a spectacular drinking game. Drink every time someone says something incomprehensibly retarded...

10:54: TSN is using as a resource for salary numbers. I use that site. Why is a fucking sports network using the same free resources as I am? Don't you get some sort of crazy exclusive sources given that you work in fucking sportscasting?

10:55: Holy fuck, TSN's depth chart had Phaneuf on the second pairing. That's AWESOME. Pierre McGuire must be having a meltdown. Duthie is back on what I guess is the main panel. The stupidity here rates higher than the stupid panel. Incredible.

10:59: McGuire is trying to tell me that Miikka Kiprusoff is a top goalie in the league, and that it's 'not even close' as to which you'd rather have than Cristobal Huet. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Good to see Pierre didn't get any smarter in my exile. Darren Pang also hasn't grown any balls in that time and piggybacks on Pierre's opinion so that he doesn't get yelled at.

11:01: Oh good, Dave Hodge! That's who I'm playing today! Here's the *real* idiot squad. Fuck TSN sucks.

11:02: ...did Steve Simmons just say something smart? Something about Phaneuf not being the elite defenseman that he's supposed to be? Holy SHIT. That's incredible. And he is definitely going to get a flying axe kick to the face soon from the French man.

11:08: Darren Dutchensyn, who's name I will never bother to learn how to spell, says that a lot of people like the Leclaire trade FOR THE SENS. WHO?! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! Pierre McGuire? Motherfuck Pierre McGuire. Oh my God, he actually CITED McGuire saying that Leclaire is the best Senators goalie in history. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.

11:12: Yeah, Pierre is totally right. You cannot win a Cup without an experienced goalie who has won a Cup. I mean, nevermind that they have to get that experience SOMEHOW. Nevermind that one of the examples you cited was NIKOLAI KHABIBULIN, who has WON a Stanley Cup. Nevermind that you just ate out Kiprusoff's asshole, who's never won shit. But no, you're right Pierre. Boston really needs to shitcan on Tim Thomas and pick up, say, Chris Osgood. I mean fuck, Osgood's won, right?

11:15: Ahahahaha Pierre dumps on Washington. Wonder which side of the Crosby/Ovechkin 'debate' he's on. "Too cool for school"? Man, fuck you.

11:20: Zack (Zack McKenzie) wakes up and joins me in the living room.

11:27: Keith Jones goes on and on about how Florida has sucked the last few years because Olli Jokinen 'made it suck'. Well, at least... no there's really nothing redeemable to that. Yes Keith, the thing holding Florida back the last several years was their 35 goal scorer. I mean, everyone *but* me always thought that team looked like shit, but no, you're right, it was Jokinen.

11:30: Apparently TSN is poorer than me and can't get anyone's mic working.

11:40: Jordan Leopold to Calgary. Everyone's "great analysis" is that Leopold has played in Calgary before. I wish I was playing GT3.

11:45: Jared (Mr. Dreger) calls me, causing me to miss something really stupid that Pierre says while standing on Dutchensyn's shoes. Not too worried about. Smackles (Mr. Sanderson) on McGuire:

Geoff Sanderson? says:
....jesus guys have to live with him every day
Geoff Sanderson? says:
i only got to put up with him here and draft day

11:51: Official trade is Leopold for Lawrence Nycholat, Ryan Wilson, and a 2nd round pick.

12:01: Just as I was about to say that The Reporters weren't as bone jarringly stupid as they usually are, Damien Cox opens his mouth and defecates on their fancy desk. Simmons is bringing it today, though. I'm pretty amazed.

12:01: Mikael Tellqvist to Buffalo, LOL.

12:02: Martin Gerber to Toronto... what the fuck? Why? :(

12:07: Gerber and Pogge as the goalie tandem for the rest of the season in Toronto makes me glad I hit eject on the NHL.

12:19: I can confirm that I am, indeed, ballin'.

12:40: Well, TSN is reporting that Olli Jokinen for Matthew Lombardi, Brandon Prust, and a 1st is a done deal, though they're also saying it's not actually completed yet because of financial issues. I have no idea why we're getting ahead of ourselves with this, but fuck it. I can blame them if this gets pulled.

12:41: Keith Jones just said there isn't much difference between Shane Doan and JAROME IGINLA. Fuck Keith Jones.

12:51: I'm bored so I'm going to post something else Mr. Sanderson said earlier:

Geoff Sanderson? says:
can you call into this show
Geoff Sanderson? says:
ask Pierre how Cherepanov is doing

12:58: Amanda, our official caterer, gets here.

1:07: Bob McKenzie reports that the phone lines are burning up with offers for Colby Armstrong. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

1:10: Matthew Barnaby reports that Olli Jokinen is a 'cancer'. Somewhere, Jason Blake becomes very upset.

1:12: From the group chat:

&alexandra; says:
did u hear about how i thought the mighty ducks were from mighty?
Dave Hodge. | F CK FEAR says:
I did
Dave Hodge. | F CK FEAR says:
Like an hour ago
Geoff Sanderson? says:
Geoff Sanderson? says:

1:15: Amanda is incredibly loud and I can barely hear TSN. Not sure if that's a bad thing. It's pretty unnerving when your caterer is demanding butter.

1:23: Pierre says that we don't know how good Bouwmeester is now, but we will after the Olympics in 2010. What?

1:37: God damn I love the smell of bacon.

1:43: God damn I love the taste of bacon.

1:52: Peter Forsberg is expected to retire tonight.... :(

2:15: Our caterer cut herself and bled onto the food. What the fuck?

2:22: Unless we get a flurry of fun stuff in the next hour, this deadline sucks.

2:38: I'm gonna go to the store or some shit, I'm thirsty. Not only is TSN not providing interesting trades, but they aren't providing me with raspberry lemonade.

2:39: I just realized I missed trades for Guerin, Recchi, and probably some other people. It's been that kind of day.

3:24: Didn't end up going to the store. Still thirsty. Some stuff has happened, namely Nik Antropov to the Rangers, Dominic Moore to the Sabres, and Derek Morris to the Rangers. For the Leafs, this is pretty rad, I guess - neither guy was coming back and you get some picks in the 40 range for them. You'd always like to get better, and the odds that the second rounders will end up being anything are fairly slim, but hey, assets are assets. I think I'm actually going to miss Antropov, as he's been a part of my life for eleven years now. I couldn't care less about Moore.

3:37: More trades are trickling through, Kyle McLaren to Philly and Sammy Pahlsson to Chicago featuring players I like, and thus being more important than whatever the fuck Shittsburgh did today.

3:40: We're up to 17 trades now. About an hour ago I predicted to Mr. Dreger that we'd see 18. Apparently Carolina and Edmonton have a trade coming down the pipe, not necessarily with each other, so I guess we'll get at least that. Yay me!

4:03: Holy FUCK Pierre breaks out some late stupidity. Some bizarre three-way/double trade with Erik Cole to Carolina, Patrick O'Sullivan to Edmonton, Justin Williams to Los Angeles breaks, and Pierre jumps on the 'Edmonton are idiots' bandwagon. Now, Edmonton is pretty dumb. I'll always give everyone that. But his reasoning is because they gave up Cole AND Joni Pitkanen for O'Sullivan. Pitkanen got traded to Carolina in the summer for Cole, and now Cole was traded back, so that doesn't even fucking make sense. If you're involving Pitkanen, then you can't involve Cole because Pitkanen was traded FOR Cole, so you are trading Pitkanen for O'Sullivan. If you're involving Cole, then you can't involve Pitkanen because you wouldn't have picked up Pitkanen without Cole. Make sense you French fuck.

4:10: Brian Burke's press conference is on, and just as he's saying that some players have played so well lately that they may be kept around long term, Zack says 'please don't say Jason Blake'. Burke says Jason Blake.


4:43: God damn does the old CBC song ever sound wrong coming from TSN.

4:45: Dave Hodge makes a really shitty joke about Richard Petiot. I think I'm done now.